Apparently the hottest day so far on this little island this year, it is hot, burning sunshine and the stuffy breeze, no more the excitement of summer, but more like one overly spacious sauna room that has no exit door nearby around.

Contradiction, the person is yet again giving an impression way older than her actual age, the mature and sensible image is back on the surface of the water; deep down, she knows how much she really knows, and how much she wants to achive, but always feeling lack of control, lack of control...

Just like the brief 'meet up' yet again that happened today, I smile, shiny smile, but do you see the tears behind everything that has happened so many times already? and yet I talk like nothing happened, nothing at all.

They say however many people you encounter fall at  your  feet, there is one that breaks your heart, and breaks your heart, no return.

so there I am, walking along this way, gathering courage to break it through after a whole big half a year, and still can not escape.

Such as life.

Because otherwise it would be quite perfect, new job is on the road and learning new things every minute, thinking is constant which gives excitement to a yet to be boring job, getting recognized, getting ahead, getting there...

But where is there? the ultimate destination where the dark green eyes cannot share and see? and what about the innocent soul which is currently so infatuated? care to break a heart just because your own is broken already?

This world is just never fair, and in this world I walk along... 

GMT is changed to +0100 again, computer caught the message itself without the slightest hesitation, leaving the hour gap on watches and clocks, and people at midnight in total confusion. so spring is finally here, once again.

and the weather is warmer too, seeing the hint of floral prints peeping out of long and dark coloured coats, windy days, rainy days, but temperature is compromising and climbing up, i can almost smell the fresh breeze and the sunshine in the air.

work has been energy and physically consuming, day in, day out, learning, thinking, walking on the same way to work in the morning, reminding myself this would be the only spring i'm walking on this way, because i need to step forward, and keep stepping forward..

am reading State of Fear, about global warming, a grand book, numerous threads and interactions intertwined at the moment, makes tube journeys a lot more bearable, and even with a dip of attraction of reading on.

so that's the early spring, unnoticably here, calm and peaceful, with the remote pressure of June exams and occasional up and down, there's May Ball to look forward to this year, and hopefully, much more to accompany the longer day lights and steep learning process..

i'm always in debt of update, with frequent disappearance and lengthy silence. life has taken up its own pace and i've become a sad little participant tagging along in the mighty process, every morning walking out of the Canary Wharf underground station is more like being pushed out by the human wave, rather than moving voluntarily, forwards.

too much has happened since i last written here, and i have no intention of making up the loss ground, in a fair measurement, it was a dark period, and so let it be history.

but life has kindly moved on, so i'm ever so grateful, and still feeling blessed. things are shaping up again, back is Norah Jones and random piano improvisations, surprisingly Survivor of Destiny's Child got me through my lowest point.. have to give it an inspirational brownie.

went to see Jack Vettriano's work at a private gallery in st. james square piccadilly, full of seduction, lust, desire, mixed with a vague lighting and blunt strokes of colour, human nature is selfish, and for clearly portraying that i like his work, even if he doesn't have the master pieces' skill and depth, i suppose.

with all the time spent on the train journey to cambridge i've actually finished quite a few books, or almost, King of Torts is a huge disappointment, John Grisham can pass now; Memoir of Geisha was a good read and i'm glad i read it before the movie came out; Solitair Mystery is pleasant, although Josten Garner is getting repeatative with his view on philosophy and the eternal question will always hang out there, confusing every thinking mind; I'll soon finish Den of Thieves, wondering what next to read about the corporate world.. but I'm liking Tender is the Night more and more... despite the tiny print, and I look forward to Mrs Dalloway..

I cried at Brokeback Mountains and subsequently watched it twice; Running Scared was actually quite a good movie, although some points are rather disturbed; Munich will have 7.5 out of 10 from me but no more; I missed Shop Girl, but chose not to watch Just Like Heaven or Chicken Little..

so that's pretty much things since the year started, I can envisage a busy working/studying 2006, and i do think it's the best way to keep things going and keep hearts content, mine and all of those who care.

i lost an entry of the other day, couldn't be bothered to recover then and now i can not possibly remember much of what i said anymore :s

three papers done, one more to go, but the most scary one too, monetary economics... so far clueless, frankly, and about ten days of solid study, let's see how much potential i actually have...

let me think about what i said in the lost entry still:

went to greenwich before EU economics paper, at sunset time, across the river is Canary Wharf where i'm planning to live next year, with me a new-made company, banoffee ice-cream and early summer fresh breeze, it was a good afternoon.

had a good EU economics paper, happy, but more motivated to do well in monetary--this is my degree course i better do them well....

graduation is getting more and more realistic, working is just around the corner to kick start, the thought of being proper adult getting into the work force is actually scary, the sense of independence is for once daunting me...

how far would i like to go for being independent? how much do i fear of being dependent on a 'relationship'? and more fundamentally, where does all my fear come from?

that i would like to know...

no expectation, no disappointment, so as the wise once said...

i confess, that i actually had a flash of thought of 'i want a boyfriend'--what a scary tendency, mon dieu!

year 2005 is five months gone, time, and my nostalgia!

one more paper, and after that my last summer of student can properly begin!

AC300 paper is done... just like that and i handed in the answer sheet and i thought 'shit this course is officially done'...

somehow i'm sensing the end of my university student identity very soon suddenly, in the bright and orderly exam room of D building--LSE loves using alphabetical codes doesn't it!

IR coming along... I find my comforting ability to construct argument--from externally sourced first class essays of coursemates haha, but that's okay, as long as i can do it at the end..., in a way quite looking forward, it's gonna be a fun paper, challenging, though..

A Good Woman is such a good movie!! Oscar Wilde is so impressively witty, this should be the new classic move talking about relationships, not some Weddint Date last-minute male escort crap or risk-calculating maniac  planning to get married with next girl he bumps into or whatever...

but i'm not planning to watch Star War, nope haha

went to this jazz bar with live pianist on Strand called Smollensky's, was a really fun night, new made friend and interesting conversations, lit crazy amount of matches in the ash-tray the bar tender thought I might have a tendency to be depressed withouth fire.. haha... so there is the common consensus that good looking guys are non-excludingly gay, haha, i wish i could laugh harder, although I suppose it's a harsh fact to swallow if that is not exactly the case... people, individuals, choices, experiences...

i leave too many things to chance... maybe i should go and buy that Channel perfume called Chance next then... haha...

but i keep trying to find the positive out of even the most miserable... life as such, what can one do better than keeping an optimistic perspective and keep going on...?

talking about parfume... Zegna has a new men's perfume out, and my legs just led me all the way to the counter, and sprayed Zegna on the tester, and that smelt just like my traveller...

what is the future holding for anyone of the ones that i loved and cared, with me?

okay i gotta be back into IR otherwise i will find it hard to brag on wednesday....

as planned it's a 'resting' day, but from tomorrow i need to go over my Corporate Finance one last time and one complete time and my first paper will be Friday....

scary.

Mahattan was kind of a fun film, Woody Allen is good, the cinematography was impressive, although it was a black-white film, i founded traces of Millenda & Millenda in it too, even though they were shot about two decades apart, genius, is a genius..

finally watched Chungking Express.... takeshi was so young... wong faye looked so angelic and innocent, with her big black-white eyes... tony leung, say no more, say no more...
strangely it didn't hit me as hard as i expected it to have... emotions... feelings... not much, memories are buried, and seem to have been buried well..

A la folie pas du tout... 'he loves me, he loves me not'... do NOT watch that film even if you love audrey tautou.... i know the director's trying to create the contrast, her angelic image and the underlying devil-like mental disorder within her character... but it's gone twisted too far and it's a bit... haunting... disappointed about the storyline... i expected a light-hearted comedy!

i still have Happy Together... wonder how depressed that's gonna make me tomorrow...

i want to watch 'A Good Woman', like scarlet johansson, so far she hasn't let me down... i remember being told about the way her lips look when she smiles... oh well she's too pretty for my own good anyway hahaha

i mean i'm in my most stressful revision period...

national gallery is just as good... did you know leonardo da vinci drew life-size sketches and they were called 'cartoon'..? found out just today...

and saw the vermeer paintings... 'A girl with the pearl earings' character... sometimes, maybe producing only a few pieces of work but have a tragic life will make one famous too, like Bell Jar, like Sylvia Plath... i wonder why she chose to end her life at as young as 30...

life...

and choices...

boom, 1000, i thought in any case i should make a noise about this figure--i realize how discouraging and unfriendly english might look like, and therefore i really need to make it remarkable to be 1000

manacly studying, or at least trying really hard to be... i think i've somehow hit some unknown jackpot in a way... chosen the subjects of my true interest and hence not giving me too much of a pain to absorb and develop intuition behind the maths and models... i need the 2.1 i need the 2.1 i really need the 2.1!!!

in two weeks time my exam season will properly start...

received the postcard of NYSE.... really wanna go there and see it myself... one day... to america to america to america!!!

although there's a three-year plan ahead of me already which i better settle myself to get over first... twenty-two... how much can one achieve in life? how much is good? how much is impressive? how much is amazingly impossible? i wonder...

although i am only twenty-two and i have such a long way to go i cannot stop i cannot even slow down my pace there is no way...

but i think i will keep a pet kitten next year if situation allows, and he's gonna be called 'buddy' ^^

life in general has boiled down to work and conversation about work and sleep for doing more work... not everyone would be happy in this mode... i am only hoping i'm happy living my life this way because i know i enjoy the process of learning and working while hoping that at the end all pays off well...

although you can never even attempt to predict life--because then it'll just go the opposite way...

learning to cherish whatever come along...

the L'oreal marketing project won the Creative Award at the national finals... that was quite something very much worth feeling proud of--and LSE did give it a cutting edge and a fresh mind-- and i have all the reason to feel so proud of myself too... four days solid work and a destroyed voice afterwards and still nakkered me.. but all was worth it... good memory and cv material haha..

and hence still recovering, not much to be said.

dining out like crazy... although dinner conversations always make me think... hoping to make one happy can take various means... but however far it stretches, maybe it is wrong to go as far as sacraficing my own stand... by counter proving a point i don't have to cross over my own boundaries, relationship takes way too much than just 'okay let's try it out', test runs never end well unless one is absollutely sure about what will happen between the two involved... sigh, jennifer should be wiser than this i thought..??

finally seeing the sign of turning warm... it's the season for tulips!! the purple tulips in my room looked pleasant for the whole week...

three more weeks to go from exam start... that's it, full power on from next week until mid june... and a significant pause of my student life is just around the corner...